Anxiety

I have an anxiety disorder. This may not be news to some of you, but it's also not something I talk about openly with the world (until now, apparently...). I was diagnosed with this a little over 3 and a half years ago, but it's been an obstacle in my life for much longer than that. I'm choosing to write about this now for many different reasons. For one thing, I'm just now beginning to understand what this disorder is and how it applies to me. Also, it's become apparent that if I'm having trouble comprehending the manifestations of this disorder, then it must be just as confusing, if not more so, for my friends and family who don't understand my day-to-day struggles. So, with that being said, I'm going to start with a brief description of anxiety and GAD.


Anx●i●ety: (noun) an abnormal and overwhelming sense of apprehension and fear often marked by physiological signs (as sweating, tension, and increased pulse), by doubt concerning the reality and nature of the threat, and by self-doubt about one's capacity to cope with it. (Merriam-Webster Dictionary)


Generalized Anxiety Disorder (or GAD): characterized by excessive, exaggerated anxiety and worry about everyday life events with no obvious reasons for worry. People with symptoms of generalized anxiety disorder tend to always expect disaster and can't stop worrying about health, money, family, work, or school. In people with GAD, the worry is often unrealistic or out of proportion for the situation. Daily life becomes a constant state of worry, fear, and dread. Eventually, the anxiety so dominates the person's thinking that it interferes with daily functioning, including work, school, social activities, and relationships. (WebMD)


Brain chemistry: GAD has been associated with abnormal levels of certain neurotransmitters in the brain. Neurotransmitters are special chemical messengers that help move information from nerve cell to nerve cell. If the neurotransmitters are out of balance, messages cannot get through the brain properly. This can alter the way the brain reacts in certain situations, leading to anxiety.  (WebMD)

GAD Symptoms:

• Feelings of panic, fear, and uneasiness
• Uncontrollable, obsessive thoughts
• Repeated thoughts or flashbacks of traumatic experiences
• Nightmares
• Ritualistic behaviors, such as repeated hand washing
• Problems sleeping
• Cold or sweaty hands and/or feet
• Shortness of breath
• Palpitations
• An inability to be still and calm
• Dry mouth
• Numbness or tingling in the hands or feet
• Nausea
• Muscle tension
• Dizziness

I've experienced most of these symptoms. Some of them on a daily basis. I know it's hard to believe, but I assure you, they're not fun.  And until as recently as the last few months, I've had only a vague understanding of why I've been experiencing this. 


For the first 17+ years of my life, I lived in what amounted to an almost constant state of chaos. I wasn't beaten or molested or anything like that, but analyzing and assessing the atmosphere of every situation became a survival mechanism for me. In order to avoid an explosive situation I would analyze the potential outcome of every move I made. I did this for so long that it became hard-wired in my brain. It was no longer a conscious choice, but an instinct. Children are very impressionable and breaking a childhood behavior, particularly one you've adopted for nearly 2 decades, is an overwhelming, if not altogether daunting, task. 


So. We've established that living in a constant state of anxiety is not fun. It's also exhausting. I've been working on trying to break this behavior but it's not easy. I've been told it could take years of work. I'm not looking forward to it. But I'm hopeful.


In the mean time, I (and many other people suffering from anxiety and other related disorders) could really use your patience. For example, comments like "Don't worry about it", "Calm down", and "You just need to relax" don't help. Those phrases don't work on most well-adjusted people, let alone those with anxiety disorders. "Try not to worry about it" isn't a good one either. It implies that I'm not making an honest effort to help myself. I'm aware that I over analyze, "catastrophize" and obsessively worry. Asking me to "try not to worry about it" only serves as a reminder that my attempts to control my anxiety are insufficient. Do you think I enjoy feeling like this? That I wouldn't rather be enjoying my day-to-day life than worrying about how my actions could potentially affect every little move I make? "What's the worst that could happen?" and "It's not the end of the world" are two of the worst things someone could say to me. It trivializes my feelings. I know it's not the end of the world. I'm anxious, not delusional or stupid.


Personally, I would prefer to hear words of encouragement. "This will pass" or "You'll get through this" are good phrases. I particularly like "We'll figure something out" because it lets me know that I'm not alone, that I have someone willing to be there for me instead of trivializing my fears, regardless of their validity. 


I hope this helps. The process of writing it down seems to be helping me anyway. In closing*, I'll leave you with this: an example of an internal monologue I experience on a regular basis.


'It's bed time. Time for sleep. Time to close my eyes. It's 10:30, you need to fall asleep. If you don't fall asleep by midnight you'll only get 6 hours of sleep and you'll be extra tired in the morning. And cranky. You get very cranky when you don't get much sleep. So sleep. 100 *breathe* 99 *breathe* 98 *breathe* 97 *breathe*... Crap. You forgot to make your lunch for tomorrow. You'll have to do it in the morning. If you don't fall asleep soon you'll be extra tired tomorrow and you'll hit the snooze button too many times and you'll be racing around trying to get ready and you'll still have to make your lunch and you might miss your bus which will piss you off and you'll be late for work and your coworkers will think you're lazy and undisciplined and stop it! Stop worrying. Stop thinking. Just go to sleep already. Where was I? 97? 96? Just start over. 100 *breathe* 99 *breathe* 98 *bre... What am I going to wear?! You didn't do laundry again... because you don't have any money. Seriously Megan, who doesn't have $3 for laundry? Why can't you manage your money better? I wish it was pay day tomorrow. I hate being broke. You're 28 years old, Megan. You have a college degree. You should be able to manage your finances better. Man, I hope they don't cash that check tomorrow... I don't want another NSF fee. Pathetic. What are you going to do if you get really sick? Or break another bone? You can't afford that! You don't even have medical insurance! And when was the last time you went to a dentist? By the time you can afford to go again, your teeth will probably be rotten through and they'll have to pull them all and you'll need dentures or something and you can't afford that. STOP! 100 *breathe* 99 *breathe* 98 *breathe* 97 *breathe* 96 *breathe*...'


This goes on for hours. The only plus side is that it's so exhausting that I do *usually* fall asleep at some point. That may have sounded unrealistic or extreme but it's pretty common for me. That's my every day thought process. It doesn't even touch on all of my personal relationships or daily occurances and conversations. It's a constant battle. I'm well aware of how useless it is to obsess over these mundane details but it's not an easy pattern to break. And when something serious does happen, it's not uncommon for me to go into full-blown panic mode. I won't describe what all of that entails but I can tell you with all sincerity that it is ugly and terrifying - not just for me but for anyone who witnesses it. 


So please, *please* be patient with me and know that I am trying. And try to keep in mind that while it may be frustrating for you to deal with or tiring for you to be around, it's absolutely exhausting for me to live with every day. If I could just switch it off, I would. In a heartbeat. But few things are that easy.


Thank you.


*I know I said "In closing" but apparently I wasn't even close to being done. Oops! Haha...

A Perfect Day

April 28th is my Mother's birthday. For those of you who don't know, my mother is my everything - she's my role model, my mentor, my best friend, my rock. She has been the one constant in my chaotic life and I admire her more than anyone or anything else on this planet. So when she laid out her plans for her birthday this year, who was I to argue? She planned out every moment of the day - and it was perfect.

I'm often jealous of the rest of my family because their birthdays are all in the Spring whereas mine is in the winter. In the spring and summer you have many more options for things to do on your birthday - parks, picnics, barbecues, camping, etc... In Olympa, where my mother lives, the Spring is gorgeous. She knew exactly how to take full advantage of the day. And luckily, the weather was with us!

We began our day with coffee and breakfast at The Bread Peddler - an artisan bakeshop near the waterfront in downtown Olympia. The tiny little shop was packed (it was Arts Walk that weekend) but we managed to score a couple of seats at the window. Window seats in any cafe in Olympia is important because the 'people-watching' is always entertaining.

After coffee, a game of 'count-the-Subarus', and a delicious meal, we made our way down to the Farmers Market. I love going to the Olympia Farmers Market in the Spring because they have a beautiful garden with tons of flowers in bloom. I am by no means a gardener, but I do enjoy looking at and photographing flowers.  My mother, on the other hand, is an avid gardener and enjoys looking over what the locals have to offer at the plant and flower tables. We did a quick perusal of the various vendor's tables, bought some homemade soaps and dried lavender, and headed out to our next destination.

Next stop - PEDICURES! I was especially excited about this next stop. After breaking my leg, all I could think of was getting a pedicure (casts are not particularly friendly to legs and feet). It had been several months since I had had a proper pedicure and was finally feeling brave enough to attempt one (I still experience some pain in my ankle and was a little nervous about having someone torquing on it too much). It was definitely appreciated and I experienced no pain! It was heavenly.  :)


Pedicures completed, it was now time for some shopping and a nap. Well... my mom got a nap. I got to make her a carrot cake. I've my tons of cakes before but never a carrot cake. Did you know that grating a pound of carrots without a food processor can turn your hands bright orange? It was worth it though because it was one of the best carrot cakes I've ever had. (I got the recipe from the people at Cook's Illustrated). The cake had a cream cheese frosting that was unbelievably creamy - if you want the recipe, let me know and I can email it to you.

For dinner, Mom requested Red Lobster. My sister joined us, and quickly declared that she would be drinking and I, therefore, had to play designated driver. It's amazing what 2 Long Island Iced Teas will do to my sister. The meal, although it took a while, was lovely (and entertaining) and now it was time to head back to the house for a couple drinks with friends. 

Needless to say, I was exhausted by 10 and in bed by 11. It was beyond worth it. I'm not sure I could have planned a better day. Thank you mom, for being born!